Infidelity

Going through infidelity is seriously the 2nd hardest thing I've ever had to experience. Second only to giving birth to a very sick baby and not knowing if she was going to live. When Chris told me he was with "her" on June 10, my world came crashing down on me like a ton of bricks. Yes, I left California because Chris and I just were not getting along, and it was miserable for both of us. I didn't want to put Kylie through any of the negativity so I left. It was a really hard decision, and I thought about it for months. Even though we separated, Chris promised me that he was going to work on himself because he knew he had changed a lot since going into the Marines, and he didn't like the person he'd become. We had a mutual understanding that we wouldn't see other people until our divorce was finalized if we decided to take that route but we had agreed not to even make a decision to divorce until Chris got out of the Marines in April 2012. So, some may not consider it infidelity because we were separated but I do.

I was so depressed, so mad, so frustrated, so helpless. It was so hard to do anything, and that's really hard when you have a baby to take care of. It was THE lowest point of my life. I ended up going to the doctor and getting put on an anti-depressant and an anti-anxiety medicine. They seriously helped me more than I could have ever imagined. I'd taken anti-depressants/anti-anxiety medicines before because I have had anxiety pretty bad since I was really young, and I have never been able to find a medicine that helps me 100% and/or doesn't give me bad side effects. So the doctor tried me on two medicines that I'd never taken before, and I feel like they saved me.

The effects of infidelity last much, much longer than the actual affair. I do not trust Chris at all anymore. I question everything. And that's not how I want to live. I don't want to be in a marriage where I wonder every single day if my husband is talking to another woman inappropriately, if another woman is falling in love with my husband, if my husband is taking another woman out on dates and calling her and texting her constantly, if my husband is having sex with another woman. It's horrible, and nobody should ever have to go through that. But I can say that every day, I get a little bit stronger, and I heal a little bit more. And I can also say that Chris' and my relationship hasn't been this good in years. He's still 2300 miles away so there's not much we can do right now but we're starting from the beginning. We're doing things right, the way we should have been doing them all along, and it feels really good. We were to the point where we were getting into arguments every single day. Literally. And now, we are getting along about 99% of the time, and we are BOTH really working on making ourselves better. I've always felt and always told Chris that I felt like our marriage was very one-sided. I felt that I was the only one ever putting forth the effort needed to make a marriage work, and it was extremely frustrating. But my gosh, Chris has been putting forth so much effort these past couple of months. All the things I told him I needed, he is finally doing. And by the way, if you've never read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, you should really check them out! For the entire month of November, we told each other one thing we appreciated about the other. 30 different things. It was fun and really brought us closer together.

The other night Chris told me that he can't wait for us to find a church when he moves back home. I have waited over 3 years for him to say that, and I have prayed so many nights that God would bring Chris back to Him. Our God is awesome. Matthew 21:22 states, "If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer." And while I know God doesn't give us everything we ask for or pray about, I knew He'd answer my prayer for Chris because that's what God wants, too. He just had to lay it on Chris' heart and wait.

Six months ago, I would have never imagined that today my life would have done a complete 180. I'm keeping up my guard but I pray every single night that God will lead us in the right direction and will wrap His arms around us and give us the knowledge, peace, understanding, perseverance, respect, love, compassion, and fire that we need to make this marriage work and last.